Conner announces Pact with Satan

Four-time America's Cup winner, two-time loser, and multiple time cheater Dennis Conner announced that his newest America's Cup boat has reached the phase in construction where the boat can be assigned a sail number. "I am happy to announce that we have been issued sail number 666," said Conner, who has sold what little of his soul is left to Satan in order to represent the New York Yacht Club for the 31st America's Cup. "In 2000 we raced USA-55, made a bundle, and fooled the world with that "poor me" bullshit. I still can' t believe people bought into that. For this new boat we have been issued USA-666, and I think it is time the world knows of my deal with the Devil," he said with a cruel smile. "Sail number 666 represents perfectly what I'm all about - that is, making money, drinking and desperately holding on to my fading label as 'Mr. America's Cup. Who better than the Devil to help me with all that shit?"

This is Conner's ninth America's Cup challenge, and ninth trip for the Brink's truck to back up to Conner's Point Loma home. "I've made more money off this f-ing so called Holy Grail, it's unbelievable. How the hell else do you think I can buy houses, condos, a R/P 50, powerboats, Etchells and the rest of it? With this new alliance, we're gonna start calling it the Unholy Grail!"

And the name of the new AC boat? "We're finally dumping the tired and over-patriotic "Stars and Stripes" nonsense, and call this boat what best describes me; "Prince of Darkness." And the boat will be black. I'm sure many of you will thank me for not having to hear that a-hole Jim Kelly describe my boat as 'gun smoke blue' or whatever the fuck he called it. Jesus, that guy's a douchebag."

About this somewhat surprising partnership with the Devil? "Truth is, Lucifer and I have been drinking buddies for years - and you wouldn't believe all the tang we've nailed together, but that's a whole 'nother story", Conner said. "Frankly, with all the shit I've pulled over the years, I'm surprised nobody has put Luc and I together. That asshole journalist Rich Roberts came close, but thankfully, nobody reads his crap. Oh yeah, that prick Tempesta has been a real pain in the ass, too. Sailing Anarchy, my ass. Other than that, I've pretty much duped all of you. Except that fucking Blackaller- Christ, he had my number. But see what happens when you fuck with the Devil?"

Conner and many of his paid yes men have been racing and doing marginally in several regattas during the past two months. Conner got pounded at the Etchells World's and is now the #1 ranked Etchells sailor in the world. "See what ol Beelzebub can do for ya?", Conner cackled. I'm also gonna carry the dead weight known as Peter Isler round the course again - he's more useless than Robbie Haines but Mr. Devil insisted - and see if I can suck the life out of Vince Brun, who will both sail on Prince of Darkness "I always set my sights on winning and doing whatever it takes to be #1. My partnership with Satan just about guarantees that I get it," said Conner.

"The next year is going to be one of ultimate selling out for myself, our team and of course the New York Yacht Club," chortled Conner in closing. "Those old fucks at the Club have no idea the kind of shit I'll be pulling this year. I've been a good boy so far, but those drunken rages in San Diego will seem like a day at the park by the time I'm done. They think this is all about their precious fucking NYYC. Shit, it's about one thing - ME! As to the one boat program, Conner had this to say, " Funny how nobody is saying anything about our one boat program at this point. Don't worry, my PR team will be laying that sorry-ass excuse on real thick when it starts to become evident that we don't have a snowball's chance in hell!" Who gives a fuck? - I'll have cashed all the checks by then! Hahahahahahaha!"